The dilemma of this or that

I am lost in the contrasting thoughts.

One part asks me to stay with family, support them, be with them and cause work around; the other part asks me to move out of my small town and work hard so that I can take their responsibility.  Is work the centre of life?

One part makes me wonder about simple life in a small town, everything available easily, no time waste in travel and focus on people; the other part makes me wonder of the difficult life at a city, lessons it would teach, recreation in holds, friends it has accommodated.  I know I will have to make a choice.

One part asks me to focus on what I want to do, make myself happy and only then will I be able to make others happy; the other part asks me to focus on supporting people around, take them along, and win together. Am I stuck in the vicious circle of right and wrong?

One part asks me to take up any job and manage my survival, and keep doing what I want alongside; the other part says to identify what I want to do and make it living. Am I being too significant and idealistic?

Actions are missing. Or sensitivity is overloaded. I am sure lights will guide me home.the-road-less-traveled

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I am lost

It has been over a month that I have been on this rollercoaster of emotions. Life doesn’t seem to be working out. 2 years since I graduated and the exploration continues. A job that paid money every month but couldn’t pay wholeness, a startup experience that paid a new paradigm of awareness but could not pay money and here I am today, sitting in a train, escaping from these arrays of fears, anxieties and expectations to the land of adventure in a hope to find my answers.  What am I looking for?

This age of 20 something is so weird. The heart says, “Go explore the most you can. Travel. Meet people.  Take risks. Go beyond the fears. Discover yourself.” The head says, “What are you doing? This is the foundation of your career. Focus on work. Spend sleepless nights developing your skills. Get that masters degree. How will you take care of the responsibilities?” And I find myself lost in the contrasts, the extremes, the fears and anxieties. What do I do?

The adventurous, the rebel, the entrepreneurial  me wants me to develop independent skills, start building a blog, develop myself as a coach, get skilled at designing and learn basic technology so that the survival is taken care and I move out travelling the world, experiencing people and places, supporting people in developing their potential for atleast coming 3 years. I am sure that’s gonna make me more skilled than what an MBA would give. While discovering myself in these years, create a company and be at the source of designing the life the way I want. The insecure, full of fears and anxieties me says, be practical Archit. Take up a job, polish your skills, save money. Don’t escape from the responsibilities. Keep figuring out what you want while being at job, get safe first.

Is that what life is about? Is it about working so that I can take care of myself and my family? Or is it about achieving/doing what I want in life? Or is it about something more? Something more holistic, more inclusive? What am I here for? Am I complicating my life by focusing on self and work? Is there any other way to survive? Infact why to survive? In this search of answers and expressions, I am lost.

Nothing wrong about it but I am lost.

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From the known to the unknown -1 : The mysteries of my people

Sitting in my small new office, sipping over a cup of coffee and attempting to focus on the new project I was working on, something happened. I sensed a drop of sweat on my hand in that AC room. My head was paining. I did not know what it was all about! May be about the charm of what it used to be, or may be about the excitement of the journey I have set myself on or may be about the mystery of how it will unfold. And there I was, exasperated at the instant, right before the feeling of strange belief and thrill hit me. I wasn’t sure what was happening. I wanted to cry. I was smiling instead. It was the 3rd day since I shifted to my small town.

Strange things were happening around. I came back to my home, just like I have thousands of times before. But this time it was different. I think everyone wanted some answers from me. There were awkward stares and smiles; may be because I had left my job and came back home to start my own company.  I woke up the next day right at the time I was getting up for the past 1 year; for my job. Getting back to senses on finding parents around instead of friends, I slept again. Was I trying to avoid something? I got up late and went to meet the people I was going to work with. And unexpectedly, we started working the same day. I was amazed at their orientation towards taking actions ‘now’ than ‘soon’. There was a pinch of inspiration at that moment. I went back home late that night. We were working.  At home, I could again sense those awkward smiles waiting for me to answer something. I think they were not prepared for me to get back home that late.  Leaving office by 6pm and reaching home by 8pm was what they remembered from the big city, I should have been home by 6:05pm in my small town by that reference. It took them almost a month to understand I wasn’t in a job now, I was creating my own company and it took me even more to understand that this was not easy for them. Nobody was leaving their jobs, some were shifting; nobody was shifting to lesser financial earnings, mostly were going up in that context; nobody was going to a smaller town, all were craving for the bigger ones. It really took us time before things got settled, but I am happy they did.  🙂

The Beauty of it…

After spending an year in Delhi, I thought to reflect on how big my life is turning out to be, and so it was…

The Journey is indeed beautiful.  It’s not about years that have gone. It’s not even about years to come. Yes, it’s about the people who have made a difference in my life, it’s about the smiles that have made my days, it’s about the mountains that asks me to stand for what is right, it’s about the birds that asks me fly, it’s about the sky that tells me to paint whatever I want on the canvas of my life, it’s about the rainbows that inspires me to fill my life with all the possible colors. Yeah, it’s about those small- little and yet so powerful tools I would say that make my life ‘Big’.

I wouldn’t say that I have learned to overcome failures, but yes, I have surely learned to fight them back. I wouldn’t say that I love everybody around, but yes, but I have learned to give love, without letting that ‘I don’t like’ thing come in between. I wouldn’t say I no longer fall and fail, but yes, I know how to stand and give it a try again. I wouldn’t even say that whatever I get in my life empowers me, but yes, I have learned what to choose and let go the other things, without affecting the beauty of it.

At the point of time, I may not seem to have achieved whatever I wanted, but I know it will be mine, sooner or later. I may not be the one I wanted to be, but I am sure, the new me I invent and reinvent everyday will make sure I become the one. I don’t say that life has given me everything, nor do I say that it hasn’t given me anything, but yes, whatever and whoever it has given me is so perfect that the canvas of my life would remain incomplete even if one were to be taken away.

Cheers to the world of possibilities that is created. Cheers to whoever and whatever has contributed in making my life the way it is. Cheers. 🙂

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There is just too much that time can not erase…

With entire life in front of me, scary for how quick it has changed, satisfying for whom I have grown up into, here I am, sitting in an empty room surrounded by all sorts of ‘reminders’. The photo albums, the pictures/videos in the laptop, the greeting cards, the letters. Some saved messages too.

When I say reminders, some reminding me of all the people I have grown up with, some I wanted to grow up with, some people that time has left behind, while others who I did. Reminders of the moments of joy that made me realize how beautiful the life was, while others of the not-so-easy times.

The old ones. Some family pictures, some portfolios too (:D). Some assuring me that I have grown up in the finest of hands while others reminding me how big a cry baby I was (No I’m not!), some with the sketch pen drawings trying to hide something (:P), while others with strange looking kid in sari and skirt(Yeah embarrassing enough, it was I :D). And there I was, holding my stomach, literally ROFL(ing), with teary eyes and  a happy heart holding all the memories, strong enough not letting even a single one of them slip.

And then that strange picture, strange not because it had some new faces but because I saw it for the first time(I have no idea how!) and then all I remember was a question-are round, some weird questions followed by an old man quoting my parents “You have a really naughty son!”.  There I was, grown enough to enter a school. And the only few pictures I have from the school chapter are of two young smart (:P) kids in school uniform, bag on shoulder and water bottle in hand, a few of the dressed up children on stage(oh God! They really make you dress up in weird costumes and make-up on face :D). No-no don’t get me wrong, I never really had an issue with that because what mattered to me was being on stage (:D), a few of the class picnics and some with the trophies won. Some old greeting cards and some friendship bands too. But the most treasured one is that of the investiture ceremony. It wasn’t just a badge on shoulder and a flag in hand. It wasn’t even about being the school leader. For me it was an opportunity to add dimensions to myself, an opportunity to create something that I didn’t know about myself and I am glad I never missed even a single one of them. (Yeah I don’t have to get that emotional at all. :D).

And then there was this huge stack of photographs, 20GB of pics in the laptop, about 12 videos, a few greeting cards, a letter, a scrapbook(the most beautiful one) and many saved messages, enough to assure me of the big life I have.  It is like hidden cameras everywhere (So I always carried my ‘ting’ vala smile to look good :D). Call me self-obsessed for I don’t care. I am treasuring memories of ‘the 3 most beautiful years of my life. The weirdest of poses that I can pose, running after the camera vala friend to get a ‘DP’, getting clicked with almost ‘everybody’, crying(not literally) for the bad pictures and boosting the good ones as if nobody can look better( :D), experimenting with the looks(for this is the only time) and what not!

There’s just too much that time can’t erase…

And now having lived all that, I realize I am all that I once wanted to be.
Clearly, to all those who have known me since school, I am not who I was(to an extent that a few of my classmates refuse to know me :D) but clearly, to me, I am all that I wanted to be. I have stronger relationships, much better communication skills, independence,  confidence, maturity and most important to me, patience to keep giving love even without getting at times. And having all this, I am sure I’ll be all that I now want to be. 🙂Image